I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
You dont lie about slip and slides
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
