a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Randomize
