She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
