My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
