i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
