She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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