the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
