Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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