Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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