How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
