I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
