This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
COCAINE IS GR8
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
