I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
