Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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