mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize
