I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
