I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
mondays should just be called national damage control day
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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