is your mom at the bar?
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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