I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
