Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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