I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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