I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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