she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
