then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
