cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
