Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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