can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
