He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
