Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
