your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
