I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
