he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
