I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
No subtext here. People are naked.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
