I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
