i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
