We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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