my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
