WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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