i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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