Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Randomize
