I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
