well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
