I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
