just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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