Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
