I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
the day after is always just damage control
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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