I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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