It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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