I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
