cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
