I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
