i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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